she was so not down for the gang bang
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
