this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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