God, you're like boner-b-gone
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Houston, we have a blender
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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