So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
