There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
