please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
