Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
