hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize