Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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