Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You can't special order awesome
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You took a bar mat shot.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
