I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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