When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
