the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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