my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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