you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
