it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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