Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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