i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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