Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Who did Billy Mays play for?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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