Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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