I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
