A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you had me at cake vodka
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
