We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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