i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
