just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
