I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize