I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
