Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
