Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize