why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
