How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The Olympian is in my bed
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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