That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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