When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
