I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
