im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize