I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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