she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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