One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize