I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
