it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
