if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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