Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
