I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
