I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
