i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
