Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize