Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize