Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
