dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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