you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
