Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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