Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
