I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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