Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
