google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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