Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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