I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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