I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
