So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
