Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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