If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
