ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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