Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
