half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
