I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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