"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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