i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize