my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
