I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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