I can feel you judging me through the phone.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize